just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
