hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
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Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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