uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Boobs are out for the taking
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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