gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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