well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
