i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he thought i was a dude.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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