Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
