Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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