We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
