i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it