Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
