Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
