I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
