Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's just like the Real World with babies
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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