i barfeds in our rink
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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