I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
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Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
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My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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