Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's never too late to be topless.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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