Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
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You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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