do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
