Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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