what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
