I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
