i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
