If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
