remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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