I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
