On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
