I think im going to throw up on grandma
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
