i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
false alarm, still single
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