I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
