im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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