Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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