If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
