If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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