I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
