Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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