I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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