So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
