theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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