I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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