I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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