I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
