I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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