my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's the barista slut.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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