I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
