I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
