i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude i'm inner monologue high
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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