my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
