So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
