are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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