I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just gift wrapped bread.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
