i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
