I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just found a bag of teeth...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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