I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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