Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
