I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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