Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
