matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
