Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
