Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
